“Hi Derek! My name’s Little Cletus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They’re silly and outdated. Way back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!”
– Mugatu on child labor (Zoolander, 2001)
Whether it’s drinking at your local Lawsons convenience store/bar, or bouncing around some of the best pubs n’ clubs in Puxi, your Shanghai nights are happy adventures into this never ending party’othan of a city. However, there is something lurking out there in our drunken path that is unavoidable and makes you think, “That’s just f@cked up!” Luckily, we at DD sobered up briefly to bring you useful Chinese while changing the world, one immoral beggar at a time.
it’s time to put our foot down on using the helpless-child-in-your-arms technique
Even though Shanghai peddlers rival the most persistent London paparazzi when it comes to ingenuity, it’s time to put our foot down on using the helpless-child-in-your-arms technique. This breed of street entrepreneurs is using unfair and questionably tactics to connive the kuai from our bold, and quite inebriated wallets. And we won’t take it anymore.
So since our attention spans are short, let’s come up with 3 steps to shock, then awe, and then shock again.
STEP #1 – Stun them with overwhelming guilt!
English phrase – I don’t support child labor.
Simplified Chinese – 我不支持使用童工
Simplified and Pin Yin – Wǒ bù zhī chí shǐ yòng tóng gōng
Let them know you are onto their tricks, and point out the lack of Nike apparel. 我不支持使用童工will get their attention and show that your moral compass points north, and not to the factories in Indonesia. Proceed to point at your nearly empty can of Suntory as proof to abiding the law. If the law says you can booze in the street, then by all means.
STEP #2 – Distract!
English phrase – Take a lollipop little child, and sir where is the Lawsons?
Simplified Chinese - 孩子，去买根棒棒糖吧先生, ，哪里有罗森呢？
Simplified and Pin Yin – Hái zi qù mǎi gēn bàng bàng táng ba, xiān sheng, nǎ lǐ yǒu luó sēn ne？
You have just pulled the equivalent of giving five Chinese in a club a cup, a die and then asking for a hit from their bottle. Both the beggar and puppet child are occupied, quick move to step #3!
STEP #3 – Have the last word and make your getaway
English phrase – Put your child to bed. I have to get on the bus now! BYE!
Simplified Chinese – 该让你的孩子上床睡觉了。我要上车了！再见！
Simplified and Pin Yin – Gāi ràng nǐ de hái zi shàng chuáng shùi jiào le. wǒ yào shàng chē le! zài jiàn!
Make sure to deliver your last phrase with a smile. The helpless and confused beggar and child are stunned, distracted, and wondering how they lost control of this sale. Keep it clean and stumble back in the bar, to your cab, or onto the party bus. You might not have changed the world, but you did your part for a Better City, Better Nightlife.
Text your name plus the word “squared” to 15921614544 to receive a ¥20 dicount from the ticket price.
Meet @ O’Malley’s at 9:15pm on Thursday